Have you ever hung up from a phone call with a teary friend who told you something terrible? Maybe they tell you they lost their job three months ago and haven’t paid rent all summer. Now they’re afraid their landlord is going to evict them and they’re not sure where they and their two young kids will be able to move. They didn’t ask you outright, but you’re pretty sure they were hoping you would give them money. But you’ve got your own financial issues, trying to deal with Covid times and you know your spouse wouldn’t approve of the gift right now. You feel torn. You love your friend, but you must honor your own needs and family. Talk about stress! What do you do? Where do you turn?
Stressful sources are everywhere—an unexpected phone call, a heated conversation, even watching the news. When these things hit me, I can suddenly find myself in front of the open pantry doors looking for something salty or sweet to satisfy my stressful feelings.
For me, stress shows up in a myriad of ways:
-Feeling like I’ve disappointed or let someone down or have to give them bad news (guilt): Like, “no sorry, in-laws, we can’t take you out to dinner like you wanted.”
-Feeling like I’m not doing a “good job” or that I have failed at something—Like “sorry, I should have gotten that done already, but I haven’t and I don’t know when I will.”
–Feeling angry because I feel like someone else isn’t “listening” to me or respecting me. Like “I can’t believe they left their dishes in the sink for the three hundredth time as if I am the maid.”
– Feeling “not good enough”—“I should have figured this out by now. I’ll never get it right.”
–Feeling lonely—Like “I’m trying to do this on my own and no one cares.”
– Feeling like I am helpless to change a situation for myself or someone else: Like “my kid is struggling in school and they’re trying so hard, but they just got a bad grade on a test and I don’t know what to do to make it better; I hate to see them in pain.”
And as we head into the final weeks of the year, let’s not forget the special stressful feelings that only the Holiday season can bring about:
-The stress of expectations and perfectionism: “I hope everyone will be satisfied and I make it a ‘perfect’ meal/day/time/season for them.”
The stress of urgency: “There’s only X til Christmas! Only X days til the end of the year, or til the family comes to visit,” etc.
– The stress of envy/ not measuring up: “Look at this family’s Christmas card. Everything is always so beautiful. Their kids are happy and successful, their marriage is amazing, their house is beautiful…I’m never going to be like that.”
One of the things I have begun to notice, however, is that the more I am able to converse with myself about the feelings I am having, the less often I find myself in front of that fridge or pantry door. This has not been a quick process. It has taken years—I’ve been working on it even before I met with my health coach—and it is still evolving. I am part of a group that meets regularly with a therapist/ facilitator and we work through various exercises about our feelings and identifying when they come up, when we’ve felt that way in our past and what are the true emotions behind those feelings. We do work to heal those past hurts so we can move on in a productive way. It’s not “fun” stuff, but it is therapeutic and it allows me to find new ways of coping that don’t involve Cheetos or chocolate.
I’ve come to recognize the extent I have used (and sometimes still do use) food to soothe my feelings of discomfort. Feeling out of control, or helpless, or angry or sad, I would run to food. Science supports that impulse: there is real evidence of the dopamine boosts certain foods give our brains and it can actually make us feel instantly better, give us a high. But we all know that downing a one pound bag of peanut M&M’s never really helped anyone in the long run, right? So, at thirty pounds overweight and ignoring my feelings, I knew this was something I needed to do differently.
Changing that habit, for me, began with GRACE. Giving myself grace was key as I began to understand that I had used food as a stress relief/ comfort and that it was a pattern I learned when I was young and didn’t know better. But now I do. Now I see there are other ways to get what I need. Now I see that I can let myself feel the emotions that once felt so scary and I know that I WILL be okay. I will survive this uncomfortable feeling and there is a safe place beyond it.
Another important part of the battle for me was being willing to draw BOUNDARIES with myself and others. The boundary with myself was to say “no, this is not how you’re going to soothe yourself anymore because it doesn’t actually give you what you need.” The boundary I had to draw with others was to recognize that I was taking on their stress as my own when that was not my job. When the people I love make poor decisions and suffer terrible consequences, I want to fix and control and step in and rescue, but I have had to learn instead to step back. It doesn’t mean I don’t love them. It just means I didn’t Cause it, I can’t Control it, I can’t Cure it—those are the 3 C’s of Al-Anon and though I am not a regular in that program, I so appreciate its wisdom and try to measure my responses through that lens.
Like I said, this is a work in progress and I expect it will always be. But I think it is fascinating that the more I can stop and actually think to myself “What are you feeling?” the more I can put down the chocolate chips and step away from the pantry door. What it looks like today is that before I tear open the tortilla chips I notice, “You seem in a frenzy, Emily. What is this eating about? What are you feeling?” When I am “on”, I’m able to take a breath and answer the question maybe something like, “That phone call really stressed me out. I can’t believe they said that to me! I’m so angry.” Then I say, “Well if you’re not actually hungry do you really want to use this food to deal with the feelings or is there a better way?”
Sometimes I eat the chips. But sometimes I think about the anger and the story behind it and I choose something different. I go for a walk instead. Or I take a tour of my backyard. Or I sit on the porch with my eyes closed. Or I journal. Or I write a thank you note to someone. The point is, I’m getting better at it. Little by little I’m finding better ways to deal with the stuff in my brain and it’s making a difference in how and why I eat and propelling my wellness journey. Poco a poco.
